It begins….

 Growing up I was taught about periods. But being in a very, very conservative school and it being the late 90’s it was horribly under-taught. The girls were separated from the boys. We learned the basics about periods and our body development. No sex. Nothing about the boys development. Oh and that it took adults to make babies. As for my period; I knew what was going to happen. I knew it would cause pain and discomfort. What I didn’t know, was that my period would be anything but normal. 

I got my 1st period in grade 5. I remember sitting on the bus on my way to school with my bus buddy and suddenly feeling wet. My immediate reaction was to feel embarrassed because I thought I had peed myself. Quickly I tied my jacket around my waist and remember carrying my backpack so that it covered my butt. Once I got to the bathroom, I realized what was actually going on. Excitement. Giddy. Scared. Disgusted. All feelings that flooded through me. I was a “woman” now. Whatever that meant. All I knew is I had a mess and felt gross. Luckily, the school I went to provided pads. As I unwrapped the weird, thick pad, I wondered if I looked different now. Did something change? What exactly made this the defining “ you’re a woman now” moment? 

I left the bathroom holding my head high, praying no one would notice anything was different. During class, I felt like I had a giant pillow between my legs from the pad. I definitely had a penguin waddle that I couldn’t control. As the day went on, I felt more and more drained. My energy left me, I had a huge headache and the famous “cramps” were 100 times worst than I could have ever imagined. But this was all normal right? I’m growing up. Nothing I can do about it. Twice, I snuck back to the bathroom to throw up and cry by myself. My stomach was in so much pain. I had resorted to putting on my school gym shorts, but I still felt like I was in a corset. I was going to get through this. I had to get through this. This was going to be apart of my life. So I have to learn to smile and bear it.

When my mom picked me up from the bus stop that day. I didn’t tell her that I was a woman now. I was so ashamed of how I had handled the “normal” pain that every woman endures. I must be some kind of cry baby to think this was so horrible. Being the only daughter with two brothers, there way no way I was making an announcement about what had happened to me that day. To my brothers and other boys, it was forbidden and taboo to talk about. Something that was gross and yucky that girls had to deal with, but not them. Therefore, I dealt with my 1st period quietly, crying, throwing up, in pain; by myself. I stole pads from my school. I washed my underwear in the sink. I stayed in my room and read a lot to avoid activities. I hid my shame from everyone. It was worse than I imagined. The pain was horrible. What was wrong with me?

It was my 1st period, they aren’talways bad right? My next one will be better…..right?