Flare up Diary #9

 Oof. 

I deal with pain daily. I like to think my tolerance is very high, however, last night was a night that humbled me very quickly. 

For the last 4 days, I’ve had a Flare up, bouncing between a 4-5 on my pain scale. Mostly around a 4. It was a constant ache and zaps through my legs for days. Not a lot of sleep. But overall, a manageable flare up. 

That all changed last night. School starts today, so I’m back to work. I was excited and nervous. I’m always anxious when schools starts again. I couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning. My pain aching constantly, giving me just enough peace to sort of doze off. Only to be woken up violently by a sudden hot, sharp pain that would go away as fast as it arrived. 

I finally gave up around midnight and went to watch tv and crochet. Hoping to bore myself to sleep. Around 1am, my right side immediately felt like someone was twisting a barbed wired baseball bat in my insides. My head went dizzy and I fell into the fetal position. For the next hour or so, I tried medication, going the bathroom, massage, heating pad and zap machine. Nothing helped. It only got worst. Soon enough, I was having an Exorcism flare up. I would seize up and cry. I sobbed to myself for god knows how long. My body was overheating making me light headed. I would have brief moments of less pain where I felt exhaustion almost take me. Then another wave would hit me. I ended up stripping down to basically my underwear. Covered in sweat, I felt disgusting and hopeless. 

At 3am, I was almost hysterical from the pain, exhaustion and seizing. I finally caved and woke my husband up for help. I hate doing that, he has to get up so early for work. But by this point in time, I am having an anxiety attack which was only making the exorcism waves of pain worst. He immediately sprang into action to try and comfort me. Trying to help me ground and breath, get my medication, cool me down and just be there for me. It breaks my heart. He told me I just kept begging him to make it stop. He couldn’t do anything but hold me. I hate how this is our life. I hate making him feel helpless. The reality is, God knows how long the exorcism flare up waves would of lasted if he wasn’t there. He helps so much more then he knows. 

I fell asleep sometime after 4-4:30am. Medication, exhaustion finally won the battle. 

I ended up only working half my shifts today due to pain. At 11am, another exorcism flare up decided to go for another round. This one only lasted 40 minutes or so. I passed out immediately after for a few hours. My body had finally had enough. My back muscles feel pulled from all the twisting and contorting, my shoulders hurt from the hunching and fetal position. Every step I take, feels like electricity shooting from my hips to my heels. My stomach feels like someone was kicking me with boots in the stomach. For some weird reason, I can’t sit. It feels like someone is shoving something up my butt. It’s horrible. I always end up sitting in weird positions because of this. 

Needless to say, I’ve barely moved. I’m taking medication like it’s candy. And I just want my body to stop fighting me every damn day.